The Adventures of Kudou Shinichi, Fast Food Worker
by miladyFeather
Summary: "...or, all the reasons why the first thing Kudou Shinichi should do after getting unshrunk is *not* getting a part-time job at a restaurant."


_A/N: Disclaimer: Crack. So much crack. This may or may not have resulted from a plotting session at a large franchise restaurant, which then snowballed. But either way, we don't own anything, except Shinichi's poor co-workers. They deserve their hazard pay._

_This is set in a universe in which Shinichi gets back to his normal height, but the Black Org doesn't get entirely taken down all at once. Also, it is somewhat of a celebratory fic, because WE HAVE A MAGIC KAITO ANIME! Magic Kaito 1412 premieres in Japan on October 4th, 2014, and we're watching it if we have to translate it ourselves. Please, please watch it so we can geek out with other people. _

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**The Adventures of Kudou Shinichi, Fast Food Worker**

"You have a very interesting resume, Kudou-_san_," Samejima said, looking up from the paper to the young man in front of him. "But I believe you'll do well here at Pie in the Sky. Do you have any questions for me before I send you off with Akechi-_san_ to explain your duties?"

"...You're actually hiring me?" Kudou Shinichi asked, blinking.

"Of course!" Samejima replied. "You'll fit in here, I think-we could use someone like you. ...Is there some reason why we _shouldn't _hire you?"

"O-of course not," Shinichi said, expression just a tiny bit unsure. "I'm supposed to go with Akechi_-san_, right?"

"Yes, yes. Akechi-_san_!" Samejima called. "Show Kudou-_san_ how to properly clear the tables, won't you?"

"Certainly, sir," Akechi-_san_ replied with a quick bow. "Come on, I'll show you where everything is…"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Samejima was frowning heavily and tapping his foot impatiently when Kudou Shinichi walked in the door. "Kudou-_san_, where have you been?" he demanded. "You're more than twenty minutes late for your shift!"

Shinichi looked sheepish. "Uh, I found a body on my way to work," he said. "Then I had to chase the murderer halfway to Ekoda." Wilting a bit under Samejima's glare, he added, "Uh, Megure_-keibu_'s gonna write me an excuse, I think."

"He'd better," Samejima growled. "You'd better not make a habit of this, Kudou-_san_!"

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Akechi blinked several times, apparently unable to believe his eyes. "Um… Kudou-_san_? Why is your hair green?"

Shinichi ran a hand through his leaf-green bangs and grimaced. "KID heist," he said. "It was St. Patrick's Day."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The front door squeaked on its hinges, and Shinichi looked up from cleaning off the counter.

"Wonder what happened this time," he muttered, half to himself, as he caught sight of three very familiar children.

"Hi, Shinichi-_nii-san_!" Ayumi said brightly. "We have another case, but we're a little stuck. Could you give us some advice? Please?"

Shinichi sighed. "Okay, guys, but you're going to have to buy something, or my boss will throw all of us out."

The three children looked at each other with dismayed expressions, then started digging through their pockets for coins.

Shinichi grinned. "The cheapest thing on the menu is the kid's-size fountain drink."

Mitsuhiko checked the price on the menu and counted out the coins. "We would like a small soda, please," he said politely. "Also, if we showed you some photographs of post-mortem bruising, do you think you could help us identify the weapon used to inflict it?"

"Well, I can try," Shinichi said gamely.

Yamada stared at him for a few seconds before hurrying back into the kitchen. She looked a bit green.

"Whaddya think is botherin' her?" Genta asked curiously.

"I wouldn't worry about it," Shinichi said. "Now where are those pictures?"

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Yamada leaned against the counter and picked up the ringing phone. "Hello, Pie in the Sky. We deliver," she said, voice flat.

"This is Megure-_keibu_, from the Tokyo Police Department," a serious voice said over the phone. "There's been a murder-we're gonna need Shinichi for this one."

Yamada frowned. "That's nice and all, but he works _here_ and we're gonna need him for the lunch rush."

"But there's been a murder!"

"There'll be dead bodies here too if we try to do lunch on a Saturday understaffed."

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Yamada glanced at Samejima as he walked out of his office.

"Hey, boss, why do you look so frustrated?"

"I just had a meeting with the Police Department," Samejima said shortly. "They want to work out _time shares_ on Kudou-_san_."

He frowned heavily and huffed. "This is _not_ what I signed on for when I hired that boy," he muttered to himself as he stalked to his office and all but slammed the door shut behind him.

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"Uh, Kudou-_san_?" Akechi asked. "Is there any particular reason why you look like you lost a barfight?"

Kudou looked annoyed. "I didn't lose the fight," he said shortly. "The murderer's in jail." He paused, then winced. "But...I might have damaged some property."

"Really? What'd you do, break a bottle over his head or something?" Akechi asked curiously.

Shinichi flushed. "...Uh, that flowerpot...well, it wasn't a very_ nice_ flowerpot_, _anyway."

"You didn't throw a flowerpot at the guy, did you?" Akechi snickered. "Really, Kudou-_san_?"

Shinichi looked even more embarrassed. "Actually, what happened was that the soccer ball bounced off the murderer and hit it," he explained. "At least it wasn't the window."

Akechi broke out laughing-_loudly_.

"What are you two _doing _back here?" Samejima asked them. "Get back to work!"

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Moriwaka smiled as she finished ringing up her customer's order on the cash register. "Have a great day, sir!" she said brightly, watching as he left the shop, until she noticed something rather… odd. "Kudou-_san_?" she called timidly. "Is that a dove in the window?"

Shinichi glanced towards her and saw the dove. "...d*** it. KID."

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Shinichi finished entering the customer's order into the register. As the drawer opened, he glanced at the hundred-yen note being offered to him.

"Who gave you that?" he asked, looking up.

The customer blinked at him, startled.

"It's forged," Shinichi clarified. "Seriously, where did you get it?"

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"Kudou-_san_, I want you on register for this shift, too," Samejima said calmly as he took the knife from Shinichi's hands.

Shinichi glanced at the tomato he was cutting up. "But-"

"No 'buts' about it," Samejima interrupted. "You're the only one we've got that can identify forged bills like you did last week, and I want you on register during lunch."

"I'm good at other things besides finding forged bills!" Shinichi protested.

"This is a restaurant, not a detective agency or the police department," Samejima said dryly. "We don't _need_ your other skills."

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"Kudou-_san_, didn't I tell you you're on register again today? Get out here, _now_!" Samejima demanded. "We've got customers waiting!"

"No," Shincihi said sharply, edging a bit farther away from the doorway that separated the kitchen and the register area.

Samejima glared at Shinichi. "Kudou-_san_…"

"H*** no."

"Kudou-_san_, what are you _doing_?" Samejima asked, concern edging into his voice. "Do you have something against those customers or something?"

Shinichi's expression hardened for a second, "Yeah, actually."

"What, then?"

"They tried to kill me," he said flatly.

Samejima blinked. Once. Twice. "...seriously?" he asked.

"Yeah," Shinichi said. He moved farther from the doorway, then added, "Uh, actually, they think I'm dead. So they probably shouldn't see my face."

It took Samejima a moment to respond. "Ah… okay." He glanced around the kitchen. "Morikawa-_san_, get over here."

Morikawa startled and hurried over to them. "Sir?" she asked.

"You see those two men at the register?" Samejima asked. "Take as long as you possibly can to fill their order. Got it?"

Morikawa stared at him. "...what?" she asked slowly.

Samejima glared at her. "Morikawa-_san_!"

"R-right away, sir!" Morikawa said, ducking through the doorway to stand at the register.

"All right, then, Kudou-_san_, do you want to call the police, or should I?" Samejima asked.

At the register, Morikawa stared up at the tall, silver-haired man and his hulking friend, and managed to say, "...Welcome to Pie in the Sky. W-would you like to register for our customer loyalty program? It only takes a few minutes…"

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"Hello, ma'am," the customer wearing a black ball cap said pleasantly. "Are you Morikawa-_san_?"

"Um, yes, that's me, but-" Morikawa broke off. "Excuse me...but do I know you?

"No," the man said with a gentle smile. "But your reputation precedes you." Without even a flick of his wrist, a lovely white carnation appeared in his hand, which he extended to Morikawa.

She accepted it, flushing. "Who are-"

There was pink smoke _everywhere_, billowing up in a thick cloud from the floor, and the strange man was simply _gone_, without a word of explanation. Morikawa hadn't even heard the door squeak.

"Kudou-_san_!" she shouted.

Shinichi ran out of the kitchen. "What?"

"Um, a guy just came in here and gave me a carnation and then disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke," she said. "...so it was probably Kaitou KID, wasn't it?"

"Congratulations, Morikawa_-san_, you managed to impress him," Shinichi said, grinning.

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"Kudou-_san_?" Samejima sounded anything but pleased. "Why is your uniform covered in dirt?"

"Well, on the way to work, I-"

"For heaven's sake, Kudou-_san_, you just solved a murder _yesterday_! Can't you just let the police chase down a murderer for once?"

"It's not like I schedule these things!" Shinichi said defensively.

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Akechi looked askance at Yamada's worried expression. "What's wrong?"

"It's been three weeks since Shinichi's missed work to solve a case," Yamada said.

"But… that's a _good_ thing, isn't it?" Akechi asked.

Yamada laughed and shook her head. "It's not gonna last."

Shinichi, who was standing at the registers, looked back toward them and looked ready to ask them something when the phone rang.

Shinichi picked up the phone, and listened for a second. "A triple homicide in a locked room? Seriously?"

"I told you," Yamada said. "I told you _all_."

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"Yo, Kudou-_kun_!" Hattori Heiji's familiar drawl called back into the kitchen. "I heard ya got yerself a job, 'n I jus' wanted ta say hello-"

There was a distinct crash as a chair in the dining room fell over, quickly followed by a woman's scream. "He's dead!"

Heiji sighed at Shinichi's irritated expression. "I's no' _my _fault!"

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"Is Kudou_-san_ still on cash register?" Morikawa asked as she walked in at the beginning of the shift.

"No," Samejima said. "I've got him interviewing people for Kisame-_san_'s old job."

"Oh," Morikawa said. "...is he good at that?"

"Well, he's already cut the candidate list in half in less than an hour," Samejima replied, watching a pair of police officers escort out another of their former candidates in handcuffs. "...and I think that's the _third_ citizen's arrest. So, yes, I'd say he's pretty good at it. I can't believe I didn't think to have him do that before we hired Kisame-_san_, actually..."

He walked over to Kudou, who was looking over the other candidates still seated at some of the front tables.

"Oh, Samejima_-san_," he greeted. "The girl at the first table will be a good manager, but only if you don't put her in the kitchen. She can't cook; it won't end well. The guy at her table will be fine as long as he doesn't work closing shifts-he'll either lock the keys in the restaurant, or not lock anything at all."

Samejima glanced at the two candidates Kudou had mentioned, and then looked back at Kudou. "You haven't even _talked _to them yet," he said. "How can you possibly-"

"I'm a detective, remember?" Shinichi said.

Samejima just shook his head and sighed. "Yeah, I know…"

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"So, how was the interview?" Samejima inquired. "Will she work out?"

"Call Megure, that was Kaitou KID," Shinichi said. "There's been another fake heist note."

Samejima blinked. "Wait, I thought you said KID was a _guy_?"

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"How many murders have we had this month?" Yamada asked, as the last of the crime scene investigators walked out the door. "I've lost track."

"Um, four, I think," Akechi replied.

"All of 'em on Kudou's shifts?"

"Always."

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Morikawa reread her paycheck, then looked up at Samejima. "Um, sir, why did I get more money this pay cycle than usual?"

Samejima grimaced. "You were on Kudou-_san_'s shift."

"What?" Morikawa asked, confused.

"With the number of murder cases in and around the building on his shifts? We've started offering hazard pay for that now."

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Shinichi leaned out of the kitchen doorway to ask Akechi a question. "Hey, did that last customer leave already?"

"Huh?" Akechi looked up, startled. "Oh, yeah, yeah, he's gone. Why?"

Shinichi smirked. "That was KID."

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Kindaichi adjusted his tie. "Thank you for meeting with me," he said to Samejima. "Management would like to know what's been happening around here. Your sales numbers are great, but this particular franchise has been on the news a lot recently…"

"Yes, that would be because of Kudou-_san_," Samejima replied.

"Who's Kudou_-san_?" Kindaichi asked.

Samejima's smile was something of a cross between amusement and utter frustration.

"...why are you smiling like that?" Kindaichi asked nervously.

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"Sir, I'm sorry, but I am never going to that franchise again," Kindaichi said, as he walked into his superior's office, his report in his hand.

Thorndyke raised an eyebrow at him. "And why might that be?" he asked.

"Teenage detectives and violations of probability, sir," Kindaichi said flatly.

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"So," Samejima said, slinging an arm across Yamada's shoulders. "Kudou-_san_ told me KID showed up again."

"Yeah," Yamada said, shrugging off her boss's arm. "So?"

"So, did you pay attention to what he ordered?" Samejima asked.

"What?" Yamada asked, staring at him. "_Why_?"

"Because the KID fans-_especially_ the girls-would be _thrilled_ to buy something for extra money if we market it as 'KID's Favorite'," Samejima explained.

"If you do that, KID will never show up here again," Yamada pointed out.

"Somehow, I really don't think Kudou-_san_ would mind that all that much," Samejima said dryly.

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"Will you stop coming to interviews?" Shinichi growled. "_Nobody_ is going to hire an international jewel thief as a shift manager at a fast-food franchise restaurant!"

"Aw, but Tantei-_kun_!" KID pouted hugely. "It's so much _fun_!"

"Go away!"

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Shinichi sighed. "Nakamori_-keibu_, I told you, KID already left. And there's really no need for _the entire KID Task Force_ to be here."

"...we'll order food for the stakeout," Nakamori compromised.

Shinichi frowned. "You are _not_ getting a group discount."

Nakamori glared at him and began cursing under his breath.

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It was on the third day of the Task Force's impromptu stakeout of Pie in the Sky that KID decided to show up, springing brightly up to Shinichi at the register despite the restaraunt full of police officers at his back. "Hi, Tantei-_kun_!"

As one, the Task Force leaped to its feet. "It's KID!" Nakamori yelled, pointing emphatically at the customer at the front desk. "Get him!"

"What?" Shinichi shouted. "No, don't 'get him' in the restaurant! Be careful of those chairs, we're gonna have to replace those!"

He turned a glare on KID, who was clinging to the ceiling and grinning down at the chaos below him.

"And _you_, get off the ceiling!" Shinichi yelled. "Do you have any idea how hard that is to clean?"

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Samejima looked over the utter _disaster area_ that had once been the restaurant's dining room and felt his eye begin to twitch. "Kudou-_san_…"

"I tried to get them out of here."

Samejima gritted his teeth. "It obviously didn't work."

"File a complaint with the police, then," Shinichi snapped.

"_They_ told me to file a complaint with _KID._"

"KID wasn't the one who broke the chairs."

Samejima crossed his arms in front of his chest and glowered at Kudou. "I have to get the money for this from _somewhere_."

"If you take this out of my paycheck, Kaitou KID is a dead man," Shinichi said flatly.

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"Hello, Tantei-_kun_! How've you been?"

It was KID, it had to be KID, even though the person in front of him looked like a fifteen-year-old with a pirate fetish. No one called Shinichi "Tantei-_kun_" but KID.

Surprisingly enough, KID actually looked shocked when Shinichi picked up the rolling pin and started walking toward him from behind the counter.

"Hey, Tantei-_kun_, uh, what're you doing with that rolling pin?" He backed up a few steps, then looked around the restaurant for an escape route. "Hey, someone! I think Tantei-_kun_'s finally lost it!"

Shinichi swung, _hard_, at the thief, who leapt onto one of the dining room tables to dodge. "Oooh, wow, you're _fast_ when you're angry," KID said brightly. "Did you play baseball before you started soccer?"

"Get. Out."

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Samejima sighed as he handed the resume back to the applicant standing in front of him. "I'm sorry, Hattori-_san_, but we can under no circumstances accept your application."

"Wha'?" Heiji asked. "Why no'?"

"Hattori-_san_, if you really need to ask that, the papers are somewhat mistaken in calling you a genius."

There was a scream just outside the restaurant. "Somebody call the police!" a man shouted.

Samejima rubbed his temples as Heiji ran out the door toward the screaming. "And _that_ is why."

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"Hey, brat," Mouri Kogoro said, as he walked into the restaurant.

Shinichi frowned. "Stop calling me that."

Mouri rolled his eyes. "Ran told me you cancelled plans on her because you had work."

"They needed someone for that shift," Shinichi said, shrugging.

"Your funeral, kid," Mouri said. "I'm just here to warn you."

There was a wonderful period of eleven minutes where nothing went wrong… and then Ran walked in the door, shrieking angrily. "KUDOU SHINICHI!"

In the kitchen, Morikawa ducked behind a counter. "What _was_ that?"

"No idea, but I think we'd better stay back here 'til it blows over," Yamada said.

Back at the counter, Shinichi held up his hands, attempting to look innocent. "Ran….I said I was sorry…"

Ran glared flatly at him, approached the counter, and _kicked._ Shinichi ducked, moments before her shoe went flying and lodged itself in the wall behind him.

"Oh come on, we just fixed that wall!" Shinichi protested.

Ran's eyes practically sparked as she picked up one of the chairs from the tables near the counter.

Shinichi groaned. "Ran, _please _put the chair down. We just bought it! You're going to get me fired!"

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Surveying the demolished window, the dented counter, the hole in the wall, and two chairs that no longer had legs, all of which Kudou-_san_ was claiming was the result of his _girlfriend_ being _upset with him_, all Samejima had to ask was, "Why, exactly, didn't you warn us about her before this?"

Shinichi grimaced. "Oddly enough, I thought she was _less_ dangerous than my tendency to find murders wherever I go and KID's bizarre obsession with me as one of his 'critics.'"

"...I'd say you were wrong."

"The front window agrees with you, I think."

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Samejima picked up the ringing phone.

"Samejima_-san_, I just got the damage reports. What on Earth is going on at your franchise?"

Samejima pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "I'll be sure to tell you as soon as I figure that out myself, Kindaichi-_san_."


End file.
